I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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