dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
