I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
