Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
