My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
