wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
