So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
