The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize