Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Bring me that man meat
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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