theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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