I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
