i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
