I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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