Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
high people should be assigned attendants
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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