I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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