his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
