yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
someone get that fucking seahorse.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
