ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
tonight lets celebrate not being married
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize