Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
