Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
