Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
