i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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