She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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