Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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