i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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