so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
