Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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