Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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