Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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