There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
