Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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