There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
