I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
