I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
