You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
