There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
