The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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