you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
