I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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