I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
