I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
