New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize