She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
