He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
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