Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
