new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
