well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
