I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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