ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
