can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
