How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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