life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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