If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
