i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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