I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
