Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize