I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Randomize
