tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
