that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
