R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
