everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
