I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
