Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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