I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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