She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
