My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
