just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Your penis caused this!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
