Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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