who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need to calm my uterus...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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