you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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