just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
